Style

Examples and revisions are quoted from Raymond Briggs' Fungus the Bogeyman (London: Puffin Books, 1977).

Vary the lengths of your sentences!

hint: Count the words in each sentence; underline the longest and shortest sentences in each paragraph. If the difference is small, think about revising.

(A paragraph to revise)

Bogeymen are shy and gentle. They do not touch each other. This is true even when they play games. Sometimes two players accidentally touch. Then they bow and hiss quietly to apologize. Bogeymen never run. They do not hurry in their games. The games are slow paced. It is like watching a dream in slow motion. There is no shouting or cheering. The crowd hisses quietly when happy. They are silent when someone scores. Many fall asleep.

(A suggested revision)

Bogeymen are shy, gentle and retiring by nature, so there is no physical contact between them in their games. Should two players accidentally bump into one another, they will immediately step back and bow formally, emitting a quiet hiss at the same time. Bogeymen never run or hurry, not even in their games, so the match proceeds with an almost dream-like slow motion. There is no shouting or cheering. The crowd expresses its approval with quiet hissing. A goal is greeted with complete silence and stillness; many spectators instantly fall asleep.

Look for patterns in your sentences. (Technically, the types of sentences are simple, compound, complex, or compound-complex. It may help you to read about these in your grammar handbook.) If many of the sentences use the same structures, consider varying them.

A paragraph to revise

Bogey milkmen drive around quietly; they do this in electric milk floats. For quietness glass bottles are not used; the milk is supplied in cardboard containers. These containers are filthy; Bogeys carefully keep them. They slit the cartons open; the goal is to lay them flat. These milk cartons are stacked on top of each other; they are left in their stack for a while. Bogeys call this stack a cake; it is made of waxy cardboard, milk, and dirt.

A suggested revision

Bogey milkmen drive around in quiet electric milk floats. For quietness glass bottles are not used; the milk is supplied in filthy cardboard containers. Bogeys keep these cartons, slit them open, then lay them flat and stack them on top of one another. Soon this forms a kind of cake, composed of the layers of waxy cardboard, the clotted sour milk and the dirt.

Vary your sentence openings! Be especially vigilant about "there is/are" and "it is."

Underline the subject of each sentence. If it occurs in the same location in most of your sentences, consider opening your sentences in different ways.

(A paragraph to revise)

Most foodshops are lighter and cleaner than houses. Bogey foodshops are darker and dirtier than Bogey houses. It is hard work. The management spares no effort to make their shops dark and smelly. There are lots of smelly Bogey foods. It is easy to make the shops smelly. Bogey shop-owners, then, have to work to encourage dirt in their shops.

(A suggested revision)

In contrast to most foodshops which are even lighter and cleaner than houses, Bogey foodshops are darker and dirtier than their houses. This is no mean achievement. No effort is spared by the management to get the shops as dark and smelly as possible. Given the nature of Bogey food, the smell takes care of itself, but the dirt has to be more systematically encouraged.

Callaway North 205A | (404) 727-0886


	Sentence Variety - A Worksheet Examples and revisions are quoted from Raymond Briggs' Fungus the Bogeyman (London: Puffin Books, 1977). Vary the lengths of your sentences! hint: Count the words in each sentence; underline the longest and shortest sentences in each paragraph. If the difference is small, think about revising. (A paragraph to revise) Bogeymen are shy and gentle. They do not touch each other. This is true even when they play games. Sometimes two players accidentally touch. Then they bow and hiss quietly to apologize. Bogeymen never run. They do not hurry in their games. The games are slow paced. It is like watching a dream in slow motion. There is no shouting or cheering. The crowd hisses quietly when happy. They are silent when someone scores. Many fall asleep. (A suggested revision) Bogeymen are shy, gentle and retiring by nature, so there is no physical contact between them in their games. Should two players accidentally bump into one another, they will immediately step back and bow formally, emitting a quiet hiss at the same time. Bogeymen never run or hurry, not even in their games, so the match proceeds with an almost dream-like slow motion. There is no shouting or cheering. The crowd expresses its approval with quiet hissing. A goal is greeted with complete silence and stillness; many spectators instantly fall asleep. Look for patterns in your sentences. (Technically, the types of sentences are simple, compound, complex, or compound-complex. It may help you to read about these in your grammar handbook.) If many of the sentences use the same structures, consider varying them. A paragraph to revise Bogey milkmen drive around quietly; they do this in electric milk floats. For quietness glass bottles are not used; the milk is supplied in cardboard containers. These containers are filthy; Bogeys carefully keep them. They slit the cartons open; the goal is to lay them flat. These milk cartons are stacked on top of each other; they are left in their stack for a while. Bogeys call this stack a cake; it is made of waxy cardboard, milk, and dirt. A suggested revision Bogey milkmen drive around in quiet electric milk floats. For quietness glass bottles are not used; the milk is supplied in filthy cardboard containers. Bogeys keep these cartons, slit them open, then lay them flat and stack them on top of one another. Soon this forms a kind of cake, composed of the layers of waxy cardboard, the clotted sour milk and the dirt. Vary your sentence openings! Be especially vigilant about "there is/are" and "it is." Underline the subject of each sentence. If it occurs in the same location in most of your sentences, consider opening your sentences in different ways. (A paragraph to revise) Most foodshops are lighter and cleaner than houses. Bogey foodshops are darker and dirtier than Bogey houses. It is hard work. The management spares no effort to make their shops dark and smelly. There are lots of smelly Bogey foods. It is easy to make the shops smelly. Bogey shop-owners, then, have to work to encourage dirt in their shops. (A suggested revision) In contrast to most foodshops which are even lighter and cleaner than houses, Bogey foodshops are darker and dirtier than their houses. This is no mean achievement. No effort is spared by the management to get the shops as dark and smelly as possible. Given the nature of Bogey food, the smell takes care of itself, but the dirt has to be more systematically encouraged. Callaway North 205A \| (404) 727-0886